My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, I smell like cheap hairspray and there is a red lipstick stain on my top. I can feel the warmth of the stage lights hitting my face as I step into my starting position, and then it hits me. The overwhelming realization that this is the last time I step on stage for the rest of my life.
I started competitively dancing when I was 12 years old. Walking into the audition in a room filled with people I looked up to was extremely daunting. I still reward myself for having the bravery to give it a shot. Nothing was more exciting than receiving an email a week later with the subject line “Congratulations!” I was thrilled to get back into the studio to learn choreography for my first dance competition. Little did I know how much this opportunity would have an effect on my life for the next six years.
Being a part of a community at an impressionable age allows for a lot of relationships to flourish. I was able to meet so many amazing people and artists who were so passionate about moving, creating, and performing. However, there was someone I wasn’t expecting to have a relationship with, and that was myself. As a dancer, I get the opportunity to learn more about myself than the average person would. I am staring at myself in the mirror for hours on end, analyzing every flaw, how my body moves, and how I feel about what I’m seeing. As expressive and artistic as dancing is, it is also emotionally strenuous. My instructors and I constantly compare myself to my peers and criticize my every move, taking emotional and physical tolls on my body. But as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
The blood sweat and tears that are put into a rehearsal day become a distant memory once I experienced the true passion I have for performing on stage. There is nothing like the adrenaline rush I feel from performing in front of such a supportive group of people. I can feel the roaring of the crowd and the bass of the music moving through my body like an electrical wave. We as a team, feed off the energy from each other and our families and it feels like we are truly all connected at the core. How could I ever give up this feeling?
The dreaded day had finally come for my final dance competition. I felt melancholic from the moment I woke up that day. The only thing I was looking forward to was never having to wear this god-awful bright red lipstick again. The car ride to the convention center was quite silent as I was trying to process all my emotions, it almost felt like I was in denial. When we arrived at the convention center I walked my way over to team rehearsals and I could feel the sorrow radiating off of the other seniors, I realized I wasn’t alone. We make our way backstage and anxiously await our number to be called. I hear the judge across the speakers energetically saying “Welcome to stage #451!” My heart dropped to my stomach and I prepared to step on the stage. The second the music started, I flipped a switch that turned on my alter-ego and I was ready to dance like there was no tomorrow. The energy from the entire room, even from complete strangers, was through the roof for our team. Everything I had worked so hard for led up to this very moment. That experience was truly how I knew I had made it. As the music stopped and the curtains closed, I broke down with so much emotion. It was so bittersweet knowing that all the sacrifices we made and the good times we had were finally coming to an end. Not only did I feel a sense of accomplishment, but a sense of what family means to me.
Family is more than just a blood tie. Family is a sense of belonging. I felt as if this is where I was meant to be and with whom I was meant to be there. This team made all the pain I went through worth it in the end because I knew they were always there for me, and we were always there for each other every single time. Dancing was like falling in love for the first time and having that kind of bond with a community makes it so much harder to walk away from it. This experience felt like a one-sided breakup that I saw coming from a mile away. Although it broke me into a million pieces, it made me so grateful for the opportunities and bonds that I formed with my team that are truly unbreakable.
Such a Beautiful expression! Beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing.